Apr29

Addiction Sucks

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If you have been playing along at home you may know that my ex-husband is an alcoholic. When I met him he drank, a lot and dabbled in drugs. I told him that was fine for a while, and occasionally.. but then it wasn’t. If he wanted to be with me he needed to grow up. He did, he quit drinking on his own. BAD move.. he ended up going through the DT’s and being hospitalized. He was sober our entire marriage but then as our relationship ended I wasn’t there to remind him he couldn’t drink.. so he did again, at least that is how I understand it.

He went through 2 rehabs this past year. .Read this article by Russel Brand. 

I sat and said, yep.. that’s it. It’s very difficult to love someone that can’t take care of themselves. Even after being out of the relationship with him I go through the high’s and lows, proud of him for quitting, proud of his progress.. then that gut punch in my stomach when I realize he’s drinking again. “How’s My Mary?”.. WTF?? He never called me Mary and damn well knows I’m not his.. that was my clue. I almost cried I was sad. Sad because he let me down yet again, sad for his family, his son, his other ex-wife.

I told him before I blocked his number, “You are a grown ass man, you know how to get help if you really need it, I’m not going to listen to you complain and blame me for your illness and your despair”. He did reach out that next day for help. He called his sponsor and said “I’m having chest pains”. He’s now in the ICU, still going through detox. He is going to have to have open heart surgery later this week. I’m scared.. I’m sad. I don’t know why he doesn’t have the strength to do this by himself. I know he’d do it with more support by family, but wear do you draw the line between being an enabler and being supportive? 

Keep him in your prayers. I hope for everyone he pulls out of this surgery OK.

Apr19

Remind me to Remember

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So I started up taking my deep water exercise class at the Y. It was VERY refreshing to get back in the pool and move. It really is for me the best type of exercise in the world. I feel better about myself knowing that I’m doing it.

The teacher in the class is subbing, but she happens to be the same teacher from 3 years ago when I used to go. Things of note, her daughter and son-in-law just got out of jail in KY. “They are messed up” she tells me.. Really, ya think?

So my class has a few women in it, all different ages and sizes. A thinner, younger girl gets in the pool using the ladder. She has on a generic swimsuit and a bright pink swirly swim cap. I’m thinking “who the hell wears a swim cap?”. Cap girl states very loudly, “Hi I’m Amber, I’m an artist!”. Amber looks to an even younger heavyset girl and declares/states/asks, “Tell me something about yourself and what is your name?”. The heavy set girl who speaks barley above a whisper says “I’m Erin and I’m an artist too”. Amber is delighted but doesn’t stick around to chit chat with Erin. She is off to the next victim/classmate. Amber stated that she had to know a name and something about them in order to recall their name.

We’ve all heard that trick before. I think that she is extremely annoying, and the older lady, Christine, who works with the poor… asked Amber the artist, “Why do you want to know that??”. Amber said.. that way I can remember.

Well.. dammit Amber, now I remember too. We have Jean, the mother of Erin.. and then there was me. I asked if I could just be Mary Pat the girl with two names. Amber the artist, who also declares herself, Amber the color of the gemstone.. said I needed more. So I said “I’m Mary Pat and I am slowly but surly turning my parents into my own house because my mom is dead” or something like that. I find it ironic I am defining myself by my mothers death.

Well I suppose this is a post with a point. That trick works. If we would have just gone around in a circle I wouldn’t have remembered anyone’s name. Normally we would do the “Hi I’m Amber”.. “I’m Mary Pat”.. and then it begins.. Mary Ann? no.. Mary Beth? no…. What?? And I’m repeating myself and explaining my name. 

By the time the person knows, and is remembering my name I have totally forgotten their name.  I suppose I will tell Amber on Monday how impressed I was of her trick.

Apr15

Thinking in blog posts…again

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I can tell the times are changing. I’m thinking in blog posts. I’m encouraging Craig to get back to writing. I am taking pictures. I am in love with who I believe is my forever partner. With my mother gone I am finally feeling kind of like an adult, maybe not…. but at least I’m thinking that maybe I’m almost an adult.

I found a church. I love this church. It’s Methodist. What do I know about that..?? Nothing. I know that I am thinking about God more in my life. I’m thinking I need the structure of religion. I had lost hope.. not sure in what but that sparkle was gone. Life had been so flat.. so sad.

I feel as if it’s time to pull myself up, dust myself off.

The pastor has been doing a serious on Defining Moments.. Think about it. God seemed to have chosen screw ups to do great things. God doesn’t call us to do things we already know how to do. We need to be scared, doubt, take a chance and leap! Whatever it is, changing jobs, being responsible, having a family.. for me it is taking over my parents house as my own, being responsible, starting my life with Craig.

I am having the bedroom painted on Thursday followed by the bed being delivered on Friday. This seems like nothing but this is what I have been using as my excuse. Well NO MORE EXCUSES!! I know I’ve preached this once before, I just don’t think I was ready, and you need to be ready.

So.. since I’ve been thinking in blog posts.. hopefully I’ll be posting more blog posts.. I need to use my mobile app!

Not quite in passing..but I didn’t want this to be my main post. I just can’t imagine training for YEARS for a marathon and finally after all that hard work getting killed or lose a limb on the day you were finalizing your goal. When these people were coming up with excuses not to the marathon I don’t think any of them said “Well what if someone bombs the route”.. You just never know.. but you will never live a fulfilled life if you don’t take a chance.