Tag Archives: life

Thinking in blog posts…again

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I can tell the times are changing. I’m thinking in blog posts. I’m encouraging Craig to get back to writing. I am taking pictures. I am in love with who I believe is my forever partner. With my mother gone I am finally feeling kind of like an adult, maybe not…. but at least I’m thinking that maybe I’m almost an adult.

I found a church. I love this church. It’s Methodist. What do I know about that..?? Nothing. I know that I am thinking about God more in my life. I’m thinking I need the structure of religion. I had lost hope.. not sure in what but that sparkle was gone. Life had been so flat.. so sad.

I feel as if it’s time to pull myself up, dust myself off.

The pastor has been doing a serious on Defining Moments.. Think about it. God seemed to have chosen screw ups to do great things. God doesn’t call us to do things we already know how to do. We need to be scared, doubt, take a chance and leap! Whatever it is, changing jobs, being responsible, having a family.. for me it is taking over my parents house as my own, being responsible, starting my life with Craig.

I am having the bedroom painted on Thursday followed by the bed being delivered on Friday. This seems like nothing but this is what I have been using as my excuse. Well NO MORE EXCUSES!! I know I’ve preached this once before, I just don’t think I was ready, and you need to be ready.

So.. since I’ve been thinking in blog posts.. hopefully I’ll be posting more blog posts.. I need to use my mobile app!

Not quite in passing..but I didn’t want this to be my main post. I just can’t imagine training for YEARS for a marathon and finally after all that hard work getting killed or lose a limb on the day you were finalizing your goal. When these people were coming up with excuses not to the marathon I don’t think any of them said “Well what if someone bombs the route”.. You just never know.. but you will never live a fulfilled life if you don’t take a chance.

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Lies, Rehab, Cheating and Happiness

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Kind of sounds like an Elvis Costello song doesn’t it?

Let’s start with Lies… It has come out that J’s girlfriend has been fed nothing but lies. BIG ones.. ones that are none of my business to post… and how do I know this??? Well I talked to her, on the phone, texts and email.  See she kicked him out of the house, he was homeless and excepted my gift of rehab.. to which I took him last week. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall. I wish him only the best, I think he will be an AWESOME sober person, he can get addicted to the program.. he has it in him, I wish him well.. really.

I cheated. Yep.. a couple times, it’s bad.. I make the excuse of stress.. but I think I’m weak. I’ll keep on it though. Promise.

And I’m happy. In grade school fashion C and I updated our FB status to “in a relationship”. I like him a LOT. I can truly say I’m happy. I think if the stress of mom and dad were gone it would be replaced with something else.. I think there is always something else.. maybe one day I’ll make that clarity and total bliss.. but I’m not going to get hung up on that.

In side news.. divorce could be final as soon as a few weeks. The house keeps getting shown, nothing totally promising though. We may have to lower the price.

Keep Swimming

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As Dory said in Finding Nemo:

Dory:”Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills… When life gets you down do you wanna know what you gotta do?” Marlin:”I don’t wanna know what you gotta do.” Dory:”Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.” Marlin:”Dory

I am totally swimming. The funk feeling is gone, I’m making progress in life in general.  I have my old house on the market, the tenant that was taking advantage of me is on the way out and I have a bit of control in my own destiny. Sure life isn’t all roses but I believe your attitude and how you let things effect you is the major part of life.

I’ve taken down my on line dating profile. I’m not looking.. what I though was going to be a summer of random one dates.. couple free dinners, meeting new people has actually turned into a relationship. I don’t doubt this cause I can tell he feels the same way. I’m 45, there are not enough hours in the day to be fake or phoney or play games. I get to be 100% me and I love it.  I feel like Sally Field.. “YOU LIKE ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME”.

My marriage was a farce at times, he didn’t like me, he liked who he thought I was or would become and I had to change some of my reactions and happiness, the whole thing was stupid. No, not the whole marriage, not everything.. it’s just that I had a nice friend, not a husband. I’m so glad that is almost totally behind me.

Now we’re totally in the getting to know you stage.. physically, emotionally, socially.. and he hasn’t run scared so I think that I’m doing OK.

Mom and Dad are still day to day.. no real change, but I am trying to not allow my mother’s manipulative ways effect me as much and am doing what I need to do but taking care of myself.  Is there more I could be doing? Hell Yeah.. I could be eating better, exercise, being more committed in quitting smoking (again).. but right now, I’m not giving myself a guilt trip. I am doing what I need to for my parents, going to work, and I’m going….. Where? I don’t know, but I do feel I’m on my way.

You Might Think I’m Crazy

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It’s either feast or famine, at least that is how it appears in my head. In reality I’m sure it’s me procrastinating things then finally getting up the courage or gumption to just get things done.

I am getting things done. The divorce is on track and out of my hands. I have nothing to do now but wait, signs some papers and worry until it’s over.

The house sale is starting to have a mind of it’s own. The sign is in front of the house, three people are interested and I now need to get the guy that is in there.. OUT. He owes me money and has shit all over the place.

I’m interviewing caregivers today for the Thursday position so I can get back to “normal” at work.

Those three things could have been taken care of earlier… they really should have, but I had excuses or reasons why they couldn’t. Sometimes I just don’t like to deal with shit. I don’t know why, it’s like I’m punishing myself.

I think things are turning around because I did not totally procrastinate getting a life. I put my profile out there right when J finally moved out of the house. Next up.. getting in shape and quitting smoking.. AGAIN..

 

 

Separated Together

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That’s what this feels like. We are NOT a couple but we are living in the same house. His number one is his son followed by the new girlfriend, yet he wants to act like I mean something to him and he wants to help with my parents. I have to admit it’s like a mutual using of sorts now.

This weekend was his first “sleep over”. It was my first weekend out without being accountable to anyone.. well except my mom who called me in a bar at 2:45am. (yeah really, she doesn’t sleep).

He’s due home at 8pm tonight and I wish that he wasn’t coming back, it would make life so much easier.

I have a guy friend that is interested in renting my other house, I don’t know that it will be enough to dig me out of what I’m in..

I appreciate the comments. I am doing OK. I had a couple days where all I did was cry and cry, but lately I’m doing OK. I’ve gotten made a few times, angry a few times but I will be OK.

I still have to tell work.. and I haven’t told my parents. I am still starting to tell my friends. I am filling my time with events w/ friends.

Spring Cleaning My Life

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Well.. I got off my ass finally and got some things done. Had the conversation with the caregivers.. said things need to change, I’m going to be more involved in running my parents house. I don’t know why this has been so freaking scary for me, but it has been. I guess it’s huge.. well I know it’s a huge ass deal. I feel SO relieved I made that step.. I knew I would be. Procrastination? I’m not sure. The break I wanted wasn’t much of one since it was surrounded in guilt.

My friend I mentioned, I’m working on forgiveness.. not sure how that relationship will continue yet but at least I’m working on it in my heart.

I suppose I’m kind of doing a Spring Cleaning in my life.. It totally fits with the NoMoreExcuses..

It is difficult, like with Katrina, Haiti.. and now Japan.. it’s difficult watching what is going on in the world and still try to continue a daily life.. those people don’t have a choice, they are stuck taking help where they can, not able to mourn the loss of loved once as they struggle to survive themselves. I can’t feel guilty for not being a part of that though. I need to wish them well in my heart and hope they feel some peace. Who am I kidding, it has to just suck.. Ugg…I almost want to avoid the news.

Well I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I have things to do both in my life.. my heart.. my parents.. work.. etc. My husband hit a pick 4 in the lottery and is taking those winnings to start a small investment. I’m glad he’s able to do that.

In totally unrelated news: We saw Battlefield Los Angeles today.. I don’t think I breathed for 2 hours.. Fun action/war movie.. I highly recommended if you like that sort of movie.

 

 

Taking Back My Life

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So for the longest time I feel like I’m doing something for someone else.. ALL THE TIME. Either my parents or my husband or my friend or co-workers. I want to take back my life.. kind of like when I was in my 30’s… except now I’m smarter and have more life experience and know the difference between what is good and bad for me.

No More Excuses: For me this journey for the month of March is not only going to be not worrying, taking back my life.. but figuring out and declaring what I want changed is part of the whole thing. I think I’ve shut down a bit to much in the last couple years, lost myself in others expectations.

In doing this I’m going to have to let things roll off my back. I’m going to need to not take everything so personally. Not cave in just to make people happy.

I’ll detail as I feel necessary.. my blog and all..

Step one is taking care of myself. I am going to continue getting my nails done.. it makes me feel good. I’m going to TRY to cut back on the french fries…because they aren’t good for me.. not because of what anyone else says. I am going to start moving more. Swimsuit season is just around the corner again.

I want to laugh at least once a day.. and not by something I saw on TV or read on the internet. I want to surround myself with people that make me feel good.

I’m not going to set crazy expectations on myself. If I blog every day…great.. if not.. great..

I am really feeling good about this. 🙂