Tag Archives: divorce

When the post just won’t come out…

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I’ve been thinking about blogging for a while. I have thoughts and ideas.. things I want to get out of my head but just haven’t had the time. Well maybe, I suppose that’s a lie. Things I just don’t feel like typing. 

I guess I could rip the bandaid off in one sentence. My ex-husband is a homeless alcoholic and my mother is dead. Yeah.. that’s what is going on. I feel like a fucking Lifetime movie. 

I’m staying home with dad still. My boyfriend is a saint, he’s dealt with all the craziness that is going on in my life and isn’t going anywhere. I love that about him. 

Work is being really great dealing with all the time off I’ve had to take due to my dad, mom’s death.. the divorce.. 

My friends are great, my family is great… I am trying to get the motivation to get finances in order.. get mom’s room cleaned out in order to have a bed and get off the couch. 

This has been one hell of a year.. I suppose I’ll blog again soon, there is way more that needs to come out. I haven’t even grieved for mom yet, I haven’t had time.. that’s a lie.. I haven’t allowed myself. I’m being strong for dad.. or me.. or just scared. 

For now I will count my blessings.. quit the pity party.. and maybe work on my Lifetime Movie script. 

 

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You Might Think I’m Crazy

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It’s either feast or famine, at least that is how it appears in my head. In reality I’m sure it’s me procrastinating things then finally getting up the courage or gumption to just get things done.

I am getting things done. The divorce is on track and out of my hands. I have nothing to do now but wait, signs some papers and worry until it’s over.

The house sale is starting to have a mind of it’s own. The sign is in front of the house, three people are interested and I now need to get the guy that is in there.. OUT. He owes me money and has shit all over the place.

I’m interviewing caregivers today for the Thursday position so I can get back to “normal” at work.

Those three things could have been taken care of earlier… they really should have, but I had excuses or reasons why they couldn’t. Sometimes I just don’t like to deal with shit. I don’t know why, it’s like I’m punishing myself.

I think things are turning around because I did not totally procrastinate getting a life. I put my profile out there right when J finally moved out of the house. Next up.. getting in shape and quitting smoking.. AGAIN..

 

 

It’s all about the timing.

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Too Much Time On My Hands

As I mentioned, I’m ready to date.. I figure it’s time. The soon to be ex had a girlfriend a year ago.. I’m just now making the time to explore what is out there. I figured out that if I didn’t just DO something I’d get stuck in a rut.. a comfortable one, yet a rut.

I’ve never been a dater. I can count the number of real “dates” on 2 hands. I don’t know what the rules are.. what you do, what to say, for me dating is just going out with a friend, that you might be interested in right?

Internet dating is totally different. You are allowing yourself time to have conversations first.. “here”.. in keyboard and monitor land. Where it’s all nice and comfy and not scary. No need to worry if you shaved your legs or look too fat in this outfit. It’s all about expressing yourself with words and letting your personality shine first, not your winning smile.

There have been men that have sent me messages that I didn’t bother to even reply. “wanna fuk?” is not going to get my attention, nor on the other end of the spectrum “looking for a serious relationship that can as well lead to marriage, I know you might not want to rush things but I don’t mind keeping it slow and steady .. So yeah I checked your profile basically cause you’ve got loads of stuff that entice me and I am willing to kick start something with you. ”

I have only had real conversations with a couple people. The first person I went out with was great. I don’t think there was anything “there”.. but I’m glad he was the first person I went on a date with, I felt very comfortable, he was very attentive and someone I could be friends with.. but he had major issues and a young child and WOW.. I don’t think he was in the right time of his life to date.

I talked to another guy who was uber religious. Yeah.. I wasn’t going to touch that. Mass in Latin and evangelizing isn’t my idea of fun right now. I just want to go to dinner, bar or hear some music!

If I did everything in my life that I needed to do I wouldn’t have time.. but I figure I need to make time to enjoy life. I can’t put myself on hold. That isn’t an option.

I don’t want to have a bunch of first dates. I hope I can find someone that I enjoy being with. I’d rather find someone that I can do things with and be friends with and of course enjoy extra special times as well. Of course I’d like to fall in love but I’m not going out with huge expectations only to get my heart mushed. It’s about the timing, and now is the time to begin the rest of my life.

I’m alive…..

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Cake – Long Time

For a few reasons I’ve been thinking about my sad little blog for a while.

I decided to finally start moving on with my life, you know and getting a life.. so I created an online profile on a dating website. I went out on one date…got that out of the way, and it was very nice. Recently I was talking to a guy who is a writer and had some on line stuff that is REALLY good.. a novella, which I will find out soon how much was fiction and non fiction. ANYWAY.. I realized now if you google me you can eventually find my blog. SO.. I  realized that someone was actually reading my blog before meeting me.. so I checked it out again…

WOW.. I have been SO depressing. I look like one of those miserable girls. I’m lucky this guy still wants to go out with me. (first date this weekend which could either be a date or a non date get together.. guess we’ll have to see)..

So.. attorney taken care of.. she’s working on that paperwork

Real Estate Agent contacted.. old house will be listed soon!

Mom and Dad are still the elder bunnies.. that is really the only difficult part of life and I keep telling myself. “this isn’t forever, this isn’t forever”.. and I keep on trucking.

I’ve gotten together with Drew a few times, he’s getting SO mature. He’s awesome.

Went to the baseball game with the ex-inlaws.. I think just cause I’m fucking awesome.

Now I just need to get that exercise regiment back in place…

Ooo look.. I still have a blog!

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I read blogs every once in a while still.. mainly live on FB, little twitter.. and ALOT just stuck in real life. It’s been a year now since I’ve been living at my parents house. They are both still there although dad is teetering very close to having to go into a nursing home. Big requirement to staying home is him being able to stand, pivot and move from one place to another.

Soon to be X is still living in the basement. It has occasionally gone from horrible, to OK.. it’s going to go on for a couple more months. Long story..

I wish that I had that moneytree in the back yard, it would solve lots of issues going on right now. I’m still stuck with the other house, but am going to do a short sale. Still saving up for the attorney fee for the divorce.

I got fatter again and am smoking.. occasionally I drink to much. I sleep on a pull out sofa.

I totally hang with my friends at least once a week.. I LOVE them..

I do want to blog more. Maybe I will.. maybe not..

 

Oh the insanity continues

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Today I went to work. I also finally told one of my BFF’s the whole story as well as a coworker and a couple other friends.

After work I went to my friends house.

My confidence in myself, my independence, self worth.. it’s all coming back. I’m feeling way better about things. Doing good.

I came home to my husband telling me he wants to make it work.. that he has had a change of heart, that he only wanted to hurt me because he was angry.

He told me that he could easily give up the new girlfriend, if I will give up my friendship with my friend… and if I said “no” than at least he could say that HE tried to save the marriage. .. wtf kind of insane guilt trip is that.

He said that he was wrong and that he can’t picture me with anyone else and that he couldn’t give up.

After the weekend he put me through? He says he needs to move forward.. that we can try to make it work. Is this REALLY my life?

Everything has changed.

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I’m still me on Facebook.. but I can’t be me anymore.. I’ve been living a couple lives with half truths, lies etc. I still can’t spill all of the beans but there are friends that may stumble on this but none that aer constant IRL people who will tell my parents. That is what this is really about, not telling my parents.

I have blogged for years and years, my best thing are bullet points.. so to catch you update date I will share with you life since.. mmm March.

  • I am letting my house go into foreclosure. We have emptied it pretty much and moved in with my parents. They are 85 and 90 with no sign of dying soon. 24 hour care is Soooo expensive.
  • The husband has been caring for my parents during the day while I go to the office. We have 2 people who will occasionally come and give respite care, they charge $16.50 an hour.
  • Caring for my parents includes changing adult diapers, fixing meals, cleaning.
  • I am sleeping on a sofa bed. In sofa mode it’s fucking awesome, in the bed mode it’s killing my back. I have 98 million emotions about this which range from resentment to being pissed off, guilty, angry.. everything
  • About a year ago I met a really nice guy on the internet. He was married, I was married. I found that piece of my soul that was missing. It was scary, there was nothing I could do about it, nor could he. The husband found this information and was greatly hurt. We’ve spent a year trying to recover from his doubt and my unhappiness.
  • My husband has a girlfriend. He’s at her house right now for 4th of July BBQ with her kids, her parents, her horses, her atv’s, her skinny little body.
  • I found out about the girlfriend on Saturday, today is Monday. For some stupid reason I am having issues not crying. ….still…
  • My “friend” doesn’t live in the same time and is also still married.
  • My husband wants to stay here until January, still caring for my parents so I don’t have to start paying someone now.
  • I think I can get a home office set up so I can care for my parents AND work at the same time and use the respite for away time, like evenings out with my friends.
  • This is “secret”. We are NOT telling my stepson or my parents yet. My parents will be FURIOUS and hurt.
  • I found out that my husband and stepson were driving to six flags. My stepson was playing with his iphone.. and a text came over saying “i love you J and I can’t wait to see you”. My stepson yelled, “you are NOT divorcing”.. I just found this out. It happened a couple weeks ago.
  • My husband has no desire to take me out of my stepson’s life. He’s going to be 12 in a couple of weeks. He’s coming over this weekend I don’t know if I can look at him without crying.
  • Today I’m having a horrible time. I can’t stop crying. Blogging helps. I will continue to blog and tweet.
  • I have tons of blog material now. Let’s recap. I am at home blogging, I just changed my dads pee pants, fed my parents and took the dogs out, meanwhile my husband is at his girlfriends for a holiday BBQ celebration. How fucked up is that?
  • I feel I have ZERO control over my life.
  • OH.. the girlfriend.. who I’ll call Christa, since that’s her name.. was his EX in high school. They met again on Facebook. Christa thinks he should just pack up and leave now.
  • He’s planning on MARRYING her because they are solemates. Did I mention she pulls in $100K a year, has 10 acres, her own photography business, pool, horses, atv and a skinny little body. I don’t have any of those.. why the fuck would he rub that in? All he’s leaving me with is alot of debt.
  • I don’t know how to be Me anymore. It’s all we and us.. I can’t figure it out. I was So pissed he was leaving today yet why would I need him or WANT him here.. I was pissed he wasn’t going to bbq with me and watch movies with me.. but I don’t know WHY.
  • We NEED the divorce, it really was all over.. I just can’t figure out what is going on in my head.

So if you happen to be a person who is my facebook friend please don’t mention the divorce on facebook. My in-laws don’t know yet and most of my friends don’t know yet.. it’s SO hard to tell people. I feel like I owe an explanation to everyone. Can’t I just say “I’m getting a divorce” and leave it at that? NO.. I have to tell them all the crap from above. It’s not HIS fault, I don’t think it’s mine either.. it’s just over. I am grateful that he has decided to help for a bit, although I dont’ know that I’m going to be strong enough to keep it together through January.

Yesterday I had the day off. I took off my wedding ring, went to the pool, lunch and a movie alone and I didn’t cry once. Well there was that one time in the car. Maybe I need to be around people. I sat here today sobbing and crying and I only had J here to hold me as I cried.. I think I need someone else to hold me while I cry. I was going to call my gf Renee who just went though the same stuff but it’s almost like I don’t have the energy to go through it all again. I for SURE will be blogging more now.