Category Archives: divorce

Lies, Rehab, Cheating and Happiness

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Kind of sounds like an Elvis Costello song doesn’t it?

Let’s start with Lies… It has come out that J’s girlfriend has been fed nothing but lies. BIG ones.. ones that are none of my business to post… and how do I know this??? Well I talked to her, on the phone, texts and email.  See she kicked him out of the house, he was homeless and excepted my gift of rehab.. to which I took him last week. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall. I wish him only the best, I think he will be an AWESOME sober person, he can get addicted to the program.. he has it in him, I wish him well.. really.

I cheated. Yep.. a couple times, it’s bad.. I make the excuse of stress.. but I think I’m weak. I’ll keep on it though. Promise.

And I’m happy. In grade school fashion C and I updated our FB status to “in a relationship”. I like him a LOT. I can truly say I’m happy. I think if the stress of mom and dad were gone it would be replaced with something else.. I think there is always something else.. maybe one day I’ll make that clarity and total bliss.. but I’m not going to get hung up on that.

In side news.. divorce could be final as soon as a few weeks. The house keeps getting shown, nothing totally promising though. We may have to lower the price.

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Keep Swimming

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As Dory said in Finding Nemo:

Dory:”Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills… When life gets you down do you wanna know what you gotta do?” Marlin:”I don’t wanna know what you gotta do.” Dory:”Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.” Marlin:”Dory

I am totally swimming. The funk feeling is gone, I’m making progress in life in general.  I have my old house on the market, the tenant that was taking advantage of me is on the way out and I have a bit of control in my own destiny. Sure life isn’t all roses but I believe your attitude and how you let things effect you is the major part of life.

I’ve taken down my on line dating profile. I’m not looking.. what I though was going to be a summer of random one dates.. couple free dinners, meeting new people has actually turned into a relationship. I don’t doubt this cause I can tell he feels the same way. I’m 45, there are not enough hours in the day to be fake or phoney or play games. I get to be 100% me and I love it.  I feel like Sally Field.. “YOU LIKE ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME”.

My marriage was a farce at times, he didn’t like me, he liked who he thought I was or would become and I had to change some of my reactions and happiness, the whole thing was stupid. No, not the whole marriage, not everything.. it’s just that I had a nice friend, not a husband. I’m so glad that is almost totally behind me.

Now we’re totally in the getting to know you stage.. physically, emotionally, socially.. and he hasn’t run scared so I think that I’m doing OK.

Mom and Dad are still day to day.. no real change, but I am trying to not allow my mother’s manipulative ways effect me as much and am doing what I need to do but taking care of myself.  Is there more I could be doing? Hell Yeah.. I could be eating better, exercise, being more committed in quitting smoking (again).. but right now, I’m not giving myself a guilt trip. I am doing what I need to for my parents, going to work, and I’m going….. Where? I don’t know, but I do feel I’m on my way.

Dramarama

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Have I got drama for you!? Yet I’m feeling REALLY good. Let’s work with bullet points why don’t we!? I think it’s too difficult to actually create an accurate time line.. so just go with me..

  • Soon to be ex-husband is still living in my parents house still. He wants to play this until January. I am TRYING to play along and just “use” him.. but OMG I want him gone.
  • The new girlfriend has changed her FB status to “in a relationship” with a “anniversary date” of at lest a month before I knew.
  • The bank has decided to modify my loan! I found a friend who actually needed help and is renting my place.. it doesn’t pay the full mortgage but it may help to hold on to it until the market changes.
  • I’m meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow.
  • My parents car was stolen and recovered. The police taught me how to start a car with a screwdriver.
  • I am getting together with my friends which is nice.
  • We are gathering people to play bocce again once a week.
  • I am getting ME back.. and smiling.
  • I started smoking again.. so sue me.. I’ll quit again.
  • I have told my work place about the divorce and how I’ll end up having to take care of my parents some days. They are willing to give me a home office when needed.
  • I was getting the gas turned back on in my house for the new tenant/friend…ended up they couldn’t do it because there is a freaking gas leak.
SO.. is that enough drama for you? It is for me.. Yet I feel so alive and for the most part good.. crying has stopped.. not much regret.. I get to sleep in a real bed this Saturday. J is staying w/ my parents and I’m spending the night at a friends house.  We still need to tell our families.. and my awesome 12 year old stepson. SO.. not over by a longshot.. but it’s moving right along.
And yes.. I have every intention of getting back to blogging yet I still don’t have a new routine.. and I’m still not reading blogs like I should.. but I will.. right now it’s still just a bit about me.

Separated Together

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That’s what this feels like. We are NOT a couple but we are living in the same house. His number one is his son followed by the new girlfriend, yet he wants to act like I mean something to him and he wants to help with my parents. I have to admit it’s like a mutual using of sorts now.

This weekend was his first “sleep over”. It was my first weekend out without being accountable to anyone.. well except my mom who called me in a bar at 2:45am. (yeah really, she doesn’t sleep).

He’s due home at 8pm tonight and I wish that he wasn’t coming back, it would make life so much easier.

I have a guy friend that is interested in renting my other house, I don’t know that it will be enough to dig me out of what I’m in..

I appreciate the comments. I am doing OK. I had a couple days where all I did was cry and cry, but lately I’m doing OK. I’ve gotten made a few times, angry a few times but I will be OK.

I still have to tell work.. and I haven’t told my parents. I am still starting to tell my friends. I am filling my time with events w/ friends.

Oh the insanity continues

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Today I went to work. I also finally told one of my BFF’s the whole story as well as a coworker and a couple other friends.

After work I went to my friends house.

My confidence in myself, my independence, self worth.. it’s all coming back. I’m feeling way better about things. Doing good.

I came home to my husband telling me he wants to make it work.. that he has had a change of heart, that he only wanted to hurt me because he was angry.

He told me that he could easily give up the new girlfriend, if I will give up my friendship with my friend… and if I said “no” than at least he could say that HE tried to save the marriage. .. wtf kind of insane guilt trip is that.

He said that he was wrong and that he can’t picture me with anyone else and that he couldn’t give up.

After the weekend he put me through? He says he needs to move forward.. that we can try to make it work. Is this REALLY my life?

Everything has changed.

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I’m still me on Facebook.. but I can’t be me anymore.. I’ve been living a couple lives with half truths, lies etc. I still can’t spill all of the beans but there are friends that may stumble on this but none that aer constant IRL people who will tell my parents. That is what this is really about, not telling my parents.

I have blogged for years and years, my best thing are bullet points.. so to catch you update date I will share with you life since.. mmm March.

  • I am letting my house go into foreclosure. We have emptied it pretty much and moved in with my parents. They are 85 and 90 with no sign of dying soon. 24 hour care is Soooo expensive.
  • The husband has been caring for my parents during the day while I go to the office. We have 2 people who will occasionally come and give respite care, they charge $16.50 an hour.
  • Caring for my parents includes changing adult diapers, fixing meals, cleaning.
  • I am sleeping on a sofa bed. In sofa mode it’s fucking awesome, in the bed mode it’s killing my back. I have 98 million emotions about this which range from resentment to being pissed off, guilty, angry.. everything
  • About a year ago I met a really nice guy on the internet. He was married, I was married. I found that piece of my soul that was missing. It was scary, there was nothing I could do about it, nor could he. The husband found this information and was greatly hurt. We’ve spent a year trying to recover from his doubt and my unhappiness.
  • My husband has a girlfriend. He’s at her house right now for 4th of July BBQ with her kids, her parents, her horses, her atv’s, her skinny little body.
  • I found out about the girlfriend on Saturday, today is Monday. For some stupid reason I am having issues not crying. ….still…
  • My “friend” doesn’t live in the same time and is also still married.
  • My husband wants to stay here until January, still caring for my parents so I don’t have to start paying someone now.
  • I think I can get a home office set up so I can care for my parents AND work at the same time and use the respite for away time, like evenings out with my friends.
  • This is “secret”. We are NOT telling my stepson or my parents yet. My parents will be FURIOUS and hurt.
  • I found out that my husband and stepson were driving to six flags. My stepson was playing with his iphone.. and a text came over saying “i love you J and I can’t wait to see you”. My stepson yelled, “you are NOT divorcing”.. I just found this out. It happened a couple weeks ago.
  • My husband has no desire to take me out of my stepson’s life. He’s going to be 12 in a couple of weeks. He’s coming over this weekend I don’t know if I can look at him without crying.
  • Today I’m having a horrible time. I can’t stop crying. Blogging helps. I will continue to blog and tweet.
  • I have tons of blog material now. Let’s recap. I am at home blogging, I just changed my dads pee pants, fed my parents and took the dogs out, meanwhile my husband is at his girlfriends for a holiday BBQ celebration. How fucked up is that?
  • I feel I have ZERO control over my life.
  • OH.. the girlfriend.. who I’ll call Christa, since that’s her name.. was his EX in high school. They met again on Facebook. Christa thinks he should just pack up and leave now.
  • He’s planning on MARRYING her because they are solemates. Did I mention she pulls in $100K a year, has 10 acres, her own photography business, pool, horses, atv and a skinny little body. I don’t have any of those.. why the fuck would he rub that in? All he’s leaving me with is alot of debt.
  • I don’t know how to be Me anymore. It’s all we and us.. I can’t figure it out. I was So pissed he was leaving today yet why would I need him or WANT him here.. I was pissed he wasn’t going to bbq with me and watch movies with me.. but I don’t know WHY.
  • We NEED the divorce, it really was all over.. I just can’t figure out what is going on in my head.

So if you happen to be a person who is my facebook friend please don’t mention the divorce on facebook. My in-laws don’t know yet and most of my friends don’t know yet.. it’s SO hard to tell people. I feel like I owe an explanation to everyone. Can’t I just say “I’m getting a divorce” and leave it at that? NO.. I have to tell them all the crap from above. It’s not HIS fault, I don’t think it’s mine either.. it’s just over. I am grateful that he has decided to help for a bit, although I dont’ know that I’m going to be strong enough to keep it together through January.

Yesterday I had the day off. I took off my wedding ring, went to the pool, lunch and a movie alone and I didn’t cry once. Well there was that one time in the car. Maybe I need to be around people. I sat here today sobbing and crying and I only had J here to hold me as I cried.. I think I need someone else to hold me while I cry. I was going to call my gf Renee who just went though the same stuff but it’s almost like I don’t have the energy to go through it all again. I for SURE will be blogging more now.