Zoo trip

Bird, a photo by mpgarascia on Flickr.

Sunday the weather was beoooooootiful. Craig and I went to the zoo with our new cameras. (he got one for Christmas).. I’m so happy to be a picture taking fool again over on Flickr.

Hormone replacement

So. .I’m 46 and the doctor confirmed I’m going through menopause.  Right away she wanted to start me on hormone
replacement.  I said

hold the phone

. ..What?  Why?  Yes I have sleeping issues but I’ve been on a sofa bed….I do have more urgency when it comes to going to the bathroom… Some night sweats but no hot flashes.  What to do. ..I’m looking for opinions. ..This is the first time I’m lost

without being able to talk to mom. And what do I do with those?

Just another day..

I think of blogging all the time, just never do it. Not sure why. My boyfriend has a blog.. AND a novella. http://www.famousboot.com/futon/

I am now staying in my parents house, dad is in a nursing home,  his health is great but he’s tarting to be very forgetful.

I am going to a funeral today for a girl my age. Ends up she’s been battling cancer for the last six years, I didn’t know.. but I’m going to the funeral.. she was never a good friend of mine but for quite a few years I spent social time with her.

My gyno doesn’t think I should have stopped.. which I’ve stopped for almost 2 years.. so now I have to go do blood-work. …I HATE giving blood. I tend to pass out.

I think I’m doing OK.. not spectacular.. but without my Craig  I think I’d be a wreck.. I’m in love with him.. who knew.. I was looking for dates on a Friday and ended up with my love..

I hope I can continue this habit.. I think I have lots to say.. maybe I should try once a week at least..

When the post just won’t come out…

I’ve been thinking about blogging for a while. I have thoughts and ideas.. things I want to get out of my head but just haven’t had the time. Well maybe, I suppose that’s a lie. Things I just don’t feel like typing. 

I guess I could rip the bandaid off in one sentence. My ex-husband is a homeless alcoholic and my mother is dead. Yeah.. that’s what is going on. I feel like a fucking Lifetime movie. 

I’m staying home with dad still. My boyfriend is a saint, he’s dealt with all the craziness that is going on in my life and isn’t going anywhere. I love that about him. 

Work is being really great dealing with all the time off I’ve had to take due to my dad, mom’s death.. the divorce.. 

My friends are great, my family is great… I am trying to get the motivation to get finances in order.. get mom’s room cleaned out in order to have a bed and get off the couch. 

This has been one hell of a year.. I suppose I’ll blog again soon, there is way more that needs to come out. I haven’t even grieved for mom yet, I haven’t had time.. that’s a lie.. I haven’t allowed myself. I’m being strong for dad.. or me.. or just scared. 

For now I will count my blessings.. quit the pity party.. and maybe work on my Lifetime Movie script. 

 

My beau

Lies, Rehab, Cheating and Happiness

Kind of sounds like an Elvis Costello song doesn’t it?

Let’s start with Lies… It has come out that J’s girlfriend has been fed nothing but lies. BIG ones.. ones that are none of my business to post… and how do I know this??? Well I talked to her, on the phone, texts and email.  See she kicked him out of the house, he was homeless and excepted my gift of rehab.. to which I took him last week. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall. I wish him only the best, I think he will be an AWESOME sober person, he can get addicted to the program.. he has it in him, I wish him well.. really.

I cheated. Yep.. a couple times, it’s bad.. I make the excuse of stress.. but I think I’m weak. I’ll keep on it though. Promise.

And I’m happy. In grade school fashion C and I updated our FB status to “in a relationship”. I like him a LOT. I can truly say I’m happy. I think if the stress of mom and dad were gone it would be replaced with something else.. I think there is always something else.. maybe one day I’ll make that clarity and total bliss.. but I’m not going to get hung up on that.

In side news.. divorce could be final as soon as a few weeks. The house keeps getting shown, nothing totally promising though. We may have to lower the price.

>< OMG I QUIT SMOKING

OK.. 27 hours and counting. I don’t have enough shit going on in my life, so let’s quit smoking.

There are many reasons why.. I’ll bullet point them.

• When I started smoking again last July it was supposed to be temporary. I did it as a rebellion. Life was SO out of control, choosing to smoke again was something that I controlled. Yeah, that shit backfired.
• It is bad for you.
• It makes all your shit smell.. hair, clothes, breath, car, purse, etc.
• It rules your day. It makes it so that you can’t do anything without thinking of where and when you can smoke.
• My guy doesn’t smoke.. so whenever we are out, I have to leave him and waste precious time smoking. 

I have been talking about quitting, and July was my goal.. but we have a concert coming up, I would be the only non smoker. We’re talking about a day car trip.. I don’t want to smoke.. I’m finished.. done.. kaput..  I forgot it was hard though. I can do this..

 

Blogging VS Facebook

I really think that there is a place for both. I can’t see posting my thoughts and feelings to 600+ people.. friends, family, classmates.. but I can here.. to the world. You think that would be odd but it’s not. Here.. you have to make a conscious decision to click and read my blog.. a Facebook post shows up in your stream, you almost have to see it.

For me Facebook is about being entertained.. either with news or comedy. I don’t want to hear about your boil or how stupid your sister-in-law is. I want to know celebrity gossip, see cute little someecards, play my games, see your pictures.. If I want to know your struggles.. fears.. or learn about your life then I will read your blog or have a private conversation with you.

I now have a little room in my life for my blog again, and that feels good.

 

Keep Swimming

As Dory said in Finding Nemo:

Dory:”Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills… When life gets you down do you wanna know what you gotta do?” Marlin:”I don’t wanna know what you gotta do.” Dory:”Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.” Marlin:”Dory

I am totally swimming. The funk feeling is gone, I’m making progress in life in general.  I have my old house on the market, the tenant that was taking advantage of me is on the way out and I have a bit of control in my own destiny. Sure life isn’t all roses but I believe your attitude and how you let things effect you is the major part of life.

I’ve taken down my on line dating profile. I’m not looking.. what I though was going to be a summer of random one dates.. couple free dinners, meeting new people has actually turned into a relationship. I don’t doubt this cause I can tell he feels the same way. I’m 45, there are not enough hours in the day to be fake or phoney or play games. I get to be 100% me and I love it.  I feel like Sally Field.. “YOU LIKE ME YOU REALLY LIKE ME”.

My marriage was a farce at times, he didn’t like me, he liked who he thought I was or would become and I had to change some of my reactions and happiness, the whole thing was stupid. No, not the whole marriage, not everything.. it’s just that I had a nice friend, not a husband. I’m so glad that is almost totally behind me.

Now we’re totally in the getting to know you stage.. physically, emotionally, socially.. and he hasn’t run scared so I think that I’m doing OK.

Mom and Dad are still day to day.. no real change, but I am trying to not allow my mother’s manipulative ways effect me as much and am doing what I need to do but taking care of myself.  Is there more I could be doing? Hell Yeah.. I could be eating better, exercise, being more committed in quitting smoking (again).. but right now, I’m not giving myself a guilt trip. I am doing what I need to for my parents, going to work, and I’m going….. Where? I don’t know, but I do feel I’m on my way.

SOOOOO……..

You know how people say. (well at least my friends do).. “take it slow”.. well I am never one to listen.
Went out with C last night after talking for a couple weeks.. I have to admit that I was a little nervous at first, but after 30 minutes or so I was settled in. Comfortable.. probably to a fault, I probably had 1 drink too many and rambled on and talked a little too much but he didn’t complain. It went well enough that we’re going to the movies tonight.

I know that I shouldn’t rush things but that’s my nature. I like him I want to be with him so why shouldn’t we go out 2 days in a row? Is there really a rule book? I don’t think it’s me being needy or anything.. if I had to say anything it’s me being selfish. I don’t know really.
I guess I stopped living for so long I don’t want to waste time, maybe that is it.