Everything has changed.

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I’m still me on Facebook.. but I can’t be me anymore.. I’ve been living a couple lives with half truths, lies etc. I still can’t spill all of the beans but there are friends that may stumble on this but none that aer constant IRL people who will tell my parents. That is what this is really about, not telling my parents.

I have blogged for years and years, my best thing are bullet points.. so to catch you update date I will share with you life since.. mmm March.

  • I am letting my house go into foreclosure. We have emptied it pretty much and moved in with my parents. They are 85 and 90 with no sign of dying soon. 24 hour care is Soooo expensive.
  • The husband has been caring for my parents during the day while I go to the office. We have 2 people who will occasionally come and give respite care, they charge $16.50 an hour.
  • Caring for my parents includes changing adult diapers, fixing meals, cleaning.
  • I am sleeping on a sofa bed. In sofa mode it’s fucking awesome, in the bed mode it’s killing my back. I have 98 million emotions about this which range from resentment to being pissed off, guilty, angry.. everything
  • About a year ago I met a really nice guy on the internet. He was married, I was married. I found that piece of my soul that was missing. It was scary, there was nothing I could do about it, nor could he. The husband found this information and was greatly hurt. We’ve spent a year trying to recover from his doubt and my unhappiness.
  • My husband has a girlfriend. He’s at her house right now for 4th of July BBQ with her kids, her parents, her horses, her atv’s, her skinny little body.
  • I found out about the girlfriend on Saturday, today is Monday. For some stupid reason I am having issues not crying. ….still…
  • My “friend” doesn’t live in the same time and is also still married.
  • My husband wants to stay here until January, still caring for my parents so I don’t have to start paying someone now.
  • I think I can get a home office set up so I can care for my parents AND work at the same time and use the respite for away time, like evenings out with my friends.
  • This is “secret”. We are NOT telling my stepson or my parents yet. My parents will be FURIOUS and hurt.
  • I found out that my husband and stepson were driving to six flags. My stepson was playing with his iphone.. and a text came over saying “i love you J and I can’t wait to see you”. My stepson yelled, “you are NOT divorcing”.. I just found this out. It happened a couple weeks ago.
  • My husband has no desire to take me out of my stepson’s life. He’s going to be 12 in a couple of weeks. He’s coming over this weekend I don’t know if I can look at him without crying.
  • Today I’m having a horrible time. I can’t stop crying. Blogging helps. I will continue to blog and tweet.
  • I have tons of blog material now. Let’s recap. I am at home blogging, I just changed my dads pee pants, fed my parents and took the dogs out, meanwhile my husband is at his girlfriends for a holiday BBQ celebration. How fucked up is that?
  • I feel I have ZERO control over my life.
  • OH.. the girlfriend.. who I’ll call Christa, since that’s her name.. was his EX in high school. They met again on Facebook. Christa thinks he should just pack up and leave now.
  • He’s planning on MARRYING her because they are solemates. Did I mention she pulls in $100K a year, has 10 acres, her own photography business, pool, horses, atv and a skinny little body. I don’t have any of those.. why the fuck would he rub that in? All he’s leaving me with is alot of debt.
  • I don’t know how to be Me anymore. It’s all we and us.. I can’t figure it out. I was So pissed he was leaving today yet why would I need him or WANT him here.. I was pissed he wasn’t going to bbq with me and watch movies with me.. but I don’t know WHY.
  • We NEED the divorce, it really was all over.. I just can’t figure out what is going on in my head.

So if you happen to be a person who is my facebook friend please don’t mention the divorce on facebook. My in-laws don’t know yet and most of my friends don’t know yet.. it’s SO hard to tell people. I feel like I owe an explanation to everyone. Can’t I just say “I’m getting a divorce” and leave it at that? NO.. I have to tell them all the crap from above. It’s not HIS fault, I don’t think it’s mine either.. it’s just over. I am grateful that he has decided to help for a bit, although I dont’ know that I’m going to be strong enough to keep it together through January.

Yesterday I had the day off. I took off my wedding ring, went to the pool, lunch and a movie alone and I didn’t cry once. Well there was that one time in the car. Maybe I need to be around people. I sat here today sobbing and crying and I only had J here to hold me as I cried.. I think I need someone else to hold me while I cry. I was going to call my gf Renee who just went though the same stuff but it’s almost like I don’t have the energy to go through it all again. I for SURE will be blogging more now.

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4 responses »

  1. You have to remind yourself that you are precious, beautiful and your own best friend. Your self exteem is fragile now so don’t forget to tell yourself how loved you are. Praying for your happiness.

  2. Reading through these…I have been behind.

    I will say nothing but…HUGS MY FRIEND FROM AFAR!!! Nobody has to know until you are ready.

    Message me if I can do anything (send alcohol etc.).

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