My blog is holding me accountable..

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I’m hiding.
I’m procrastinating.
I am NOT living up to my “nomoreexcuses” montage..
I have avoided my blog because it is now my friend, and it’s holding me accountable.

No.. I have let calls go to voicemail. I need to fire the in home care company.. and it’s family. I have to fire him before my parents go into the poor house. I need to do it by tomorrow….or Saturday.. I’m so fucking chicken shit. I HATE confrontation.

I also got hurt by a friend.. I never get hurt, i usually don’t allow myself to open up enough to get hurt.. I took a chance, first time in at least 12 years and I got hurt.. and I’m not dealing with that very well. I need to walk away but I haven’t. It would be a “death” and I’d have to mourn the loss of the friendship and in hurting this person it would hurt me again.. I don’t feel like dealing with that right now.

I feel like this part of the song Breath

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to


I need to pack and move. Seriously. Paycheck to paycheck is not flying at all. I need to get moving and live my life. This is way harder than I thought it would be.

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6 responses »

  1. So sorry you are going through all of this. I know how it feels to open your heart to a friend again and getting it broken. Ive done it too many times. It’s no fun….

    Thinking of you.

    This to shall pass…

  2. Accountability is THE thing that helps me get stuff done. My own blog is holding me accountable, so I can kind of understand.

    Confrontation and mourning a loss… ugh. But you’ll get through. I’m always reminded of this phrase, when something in my life is difficult: ‘you won’t be happy until you do what you need to do’. It’s so true. Good luck!!

  3. Out of tough times comes new beginnings and insight you were not aware of before. It may not be now, in five minutes, in five days, but soon you will see the better side of all this. Hang on and hang in there. : )

  4. Out with the old in with the new. I am your friend. We all live paycheck to paycheck, in my opinion. I never thought I ‘d live to see this horrible economy. Something needs to change, it might as well be all of us. I am going to ignore the economy and live my life. I am going to try to get out from underneath this big fat cloud we are on. Pain is a sign that we need to change something about ourselves usually. It hurts but it passes, and this too shall pass.

    • pain is a reminder that we are alive. so live. make the necessary changes and face your fear of confrontation, otherwise you will become a doormat on the back porch of life. we’re all behind you!

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