I’m almost giddy I can see the relief and help coming. I may over the last couple posts brushed over the stress of this Care Giver role. Right now it is killing me. I feel guilty, needed, anxious, tired, bored, hurt, abandoned, lost.. a million different feelings.
Sometimes I just pray that God (god, he, she, fate whatever) just takes my parents.. painlessly and as soon as they are ready.
Mom is 85 and is walking bone on bone.. her knees are shot. She’s about 4’5 and weighs maybe 250lbs. Pain.. they say our pain level of 10 is her 4. She wants things the way they are but they can never be. There are strangers in her house touching her stuff. She’s lost almost all control, except for her control over me. Now my dad is coming home. She thinks he is going to be as when he left. I think dad has been gone since shortly after Christmas. Dad when from the hospital to the nursing home. He is needing 24 hour care. He’s plataued at the nursing home. He yells at me, he’s not happy. He said that he isn’t going to go home on Sunday, he’s going to be in heaven by that time. I told him that wasn’t an option, I have gone through WAY to much shit for him to die before he gets home.
Prior to the Holidays.. from June through then it was only me.. and Jeremy doing anything for them. Occasionally I would have a cousin bring over some soup or something. But I was there twice a day. The cleaning lady would come by and the lady that does my mom’s hair. Finally after dad went into the hospital things had to change. The cleaning lady quit.. mom is getting worse at home. Since then I’ve been going from home to work to the hospital/nursing home to mom’s to home.. the only down time has really been 5th grade basketball.. or a slow day at work.
I get people telling me.. “Let me know what I can do”.. well.. can you drink some polyjuice potion and change yourself? Can you BE me? I’m POA, my mom trusts me.. my dad wants me.. Finally now that we’ve hired the aides things calmed a little with mom but there is still alot on my shoulders. This afternoon I’m meeting to discuss some details. At least the meeting is at lunch.. and a fab little Turskish place I’ve been really wanting to try.
Later this afternoon I go with dad to the doctor. Then back to mom’s the evening.
Did I tell you 24 hour care at their house starts Sunday?? I guess that, plus the beautiful weather has me a bit giddy today. I told one of my BFF’s that I should be feeling worse inside.. but I don’t and I’m not going to complain. I entered to win a girl trip to NYC.. I really need to get away.. bad.. I’d love to just escape.
I have honestly been living one day at a time, which is all I can do. I am really looking forward to getting back to the Y and being able to start taking care of myself. I feel like shit.