• Soon to be ex-husband is still living in my parents house still. He wants to play this until January. I am TRYING to play along and just “use” him.. but OMG I want him gone.
• The new girlfriend has changed her FB status to “in a relationship” with a “anniversary date” of at lest a month before I knew.
• The bank has decided to modify my loan! I found a friend who actually needed help and is renting my place.. it doesn’t pay the full mortgage but it may help to hold on to it until the market changes.
• I’m meeting with a divorce attorney tomorrow.
• My parents car was stolen and recovered. The police taught me how to start a car with a screwdriver.
• I am getting together with my friends which is nice.
• We are gathering people to play bocce again once a week.
• I am getting ME back.. and smiling.
• I started smoking again.. so sue me.. I’ll quit again.
• I have told my work place about the divorce and how I’ll end up having to take care of my parents some days. They are willing to give me a home office when needed.
• I was getting the gas turned back on in my house for the new tenant/friend…ended up they couldn’t do it because there is a freaking gas leak.

This weekend was his first “sleep over”. It was my first weekend out without being accountable to anyone.. well except my mom who called me in a bar at 2:45am. (yeah really, she doesn’t sleep).

He’s due home at 8pm tonight and I wish that he wasn’t coming back, it would make life so much easier.

I have a guy friend that is interested in renting my other house, I don’t know that it will be enough to dig me out of what I’m in..

I appreciate the comments. I am doing OK. I had a couple days where all I did was cry and cry, but lately I’m doing OK. I’ve gotten made a few times, angry a few times but I will be OK.

I still have to tell work.. and I haven’t told my parents. I am still starting to tell my friends. I am filling my time with events w/ friends.

After work I went to my friends house.

My confidence in myself, my independence, self worth.. it’s all coming back. I’m feeling way better about things. Doing good.

I came home to my husband telling me he wants to make it work.. that he has had a change of heart, that he only wanted to hurt me because he was angry.

He told me that he could easily give up the new girlfriend, if I will give up my friendship with my friend… and if I said “no” than at least he could say that HE tried to save the marriage. .. wtf kind of insane guilt trip is that.

He said that he was wrong and that he can’t picture me with anyone else and that he couldn’t give up.

After the weekend he put me through? He says he needs to move forward.. that we can try to make it work. Is this REALLY my life?

I have blogged for years and years, my best thing are bullet points.. so to catch you update date I will share with you life since.. mmm March.

• I am letting my house go into foreclosure. We have emptied it pretty much and moved in with my parents. They are 85 and 90 with no sign of dying soon. 24 hour care is Soooo expensive.
• The husband has been caring for my parents during the day while I go to the office. We have 2 people who will occasionally come and give respite care, they charge $16.50 an hour.
• Caring for my parents includes changing adult diapers, fixing meals, cleaning.
• I am sleeping on a sofa bed. In sofa mode it’s fucking awesome, in the bed mode it’s killing my back. I have 98 million emotions about this which range from resentment to being pissed off, guilty, angry.. everything
• About a year ago I met a really nice guy on the internet. He was married, I was married. I found that piece of my soul that was missing. It was scary, there was nothing I could do about it, nor could he. The husband found this information and was greatly hurt. We’ve spent a year trying to recover from his doubt and my unhappiness.
• My husband has a girlfriend. He’s at her house right now for 4th of July BBQ with her kids, her parents, her horses, her atv’s, her skinny little body.
• I found out about the girlfriend on Saturday, today is Monday. For some stupid reason I am having issues not crying. ….still…
• My “friend” doesn’t live in the same time and is also still married.
• My husband wants to stay here until January, still caring for my parents so I don’t have to start paying someone now.
• I think I can get a home office set up so I can care for my parents AND work at the same time and use the respite for away time, like evenings out with my friends.
• This is “secret”. We are NOT telling my stepson or my parents yet. My parents will be FURIOUS and hurt.
• I found out that my husband and stepson were driving to six flags. My stepson was playing with his iphone.. and a text came over saying “i love you J and I can’t wait to see you”. My stepson yelled, “you are NOT divorcing”.. I just found this out. It happened a couple weeks ago.
• My husband has no desire to take me out of my stepson’s life. He’s going to be 12 in a couple of weeks. He’s coming over this weekend I don’t know if I can look at him without crying.
• Today I’m having a horrible time. I can’t stop crying. Blogging helps. I will continue to blog and tweet.
• I have tons of blog material now. Let’s recap. I am at home blogging, I just changed my dads pee pants, fed my parents and took the dogs out, meanwhile my husband is at his girlfriends for a holiday BBQ celebration. How fucked up is that?
• I feel I have ZERO control over my life.
• OH.. the girlfriend.. who I’ll call Christa, since that’s her name.. was his EX in high school. They met again on Facebook. Christa thinks he should just pack up and leave now.
• He’s planning on MARRYING her because they are solemates. Did I mention she pulls in $100K a year, has 10 acres, her own photography business, pool, horses, atv and a skinny little body. I don’t have any of those.. why the fuck would he rub that in? All he’s leaving me with is alot of debt.
• I don’t know how to be Me anymore. It’s all we and us.. I can’t figure it out. I was So pissed he was leaving today yet why would I need him or WANT him here.. I was pissed he wasn’t going to bbq with me and watch movies with me.. but I don’t know WHY.
• We NEED the divorce, it really was all over.. I just can’t figure out what is going on in my head.

So if you happen to be a person who is my facebook friend please don’t mention the divorce on facebook. My in-laws don’t know yet and most of my friends don’t know yet.. it’s SO hard to tell people. I feel like I owe an explanation to everyone. Can’t I just say “I’m getting a divorce” and leave it at that? NO.. I have to tell them all the crap from above. It’s not HIS fault, I don’t think it’s mine either.. it’s just over. I am grateful that he has decided to help for a bit, although I dont’ know that I’m going to be strong enough to keep it together through January.

Yesterday I had the day off. I took off my wedding ring, went to the pool, lunch and a movie alone and I didn’t cry once. Well there was that one time in the car. Maybe I need to be around people. I sat here today sobbing and crying and I only had J here to hold me as I cried.. I think I need someone else to hold me while I cry. I was going to call my gf Renee who just went though the same stuff but it’s almost like I don’t have the energy to go through it all again. I for SURE will be blogging more now.

I am soooo over the snow.

Bradley Cooper.

Yumm.. I mean seriously. You have a talented, funny actor..who can play good guys, bad guys, romantic comedy…drama. He’s the entire package, and he is not bad on the eyes. HOT..

Isn't he hot?

Anthony Bourdain

Yes, that IS me with him

I love his hair, his humor, his laugh. I could listen to him for 12 hours a day…. which I think I have before.. Thanks Travel Channel.

This does not really answer the question. These are men that are “famous” and I love their personalities.

I haven’t really looked at men for almost a dozen years. What do I think is hot?

I like the style

A man with a guitar.. Elvis Costello. I like the glasses, the hair.. the funky quirkiness. I’ve liked guys that remind me of him. Converse High Tops, a 1940′s style hat and a scarf.. Love it.

Dean Butler

You remember him as Manly on Little House On The PrairieI have always loved a red head. Dean Butler was one of my first crushes. Red hair, blue eyes. I was going to post a picture of Prince Harry but then I couldn't remember if he was legal or not.

Mmmm now our young Shia…

Don't you wish that was your number on his wrist?

I suppose I have always been attracted to bad boys. I was usually too smart for them …. I love the geeks, and I love the bad boys and Shia is the perfect combo.

I think that is it, I love dorks.. geeks.. especially with an edge of sexy, not too buff.

How about Brendan Hines. You ever watch Lie to Me? He needs glasses.  He’d be hotter if he had a receding hairline.

Geek Chic

Ok, I think I kind of defined what I find attractive. Now this isn’t all the time.  This is now. This is 44 year old me. Don’t get me wrong, Sean Connery is hot, Will Smith is hot,  Chris O’Donnell is hot; but I don’t gravitate toward their types. I’m not into old guys, black guys or boy next door sexy.

One last note, turn off the safe search, go to bing images and type in “hot geeks”.. I got distracted for a bit…geeze.

Thank you for going through this journey with me this afternoon

So…married, single..whatever. Do you have a type? I have defined mine as Sexy Geek.. I think.

So I’ll just tell you what I’m doing. I am sitting here sneezing my freaking head off. I don’t know if it’s allergy season or a cold. I read today in the local paper that this year is supposed to be worse than last year.. and last year was the worst year in 40 years.. well before then I didn’t have allergy problems. This is going to be an expensive spring/summer because even generic Walgreens or Wal-Mart D medicine gets expensive.. and the limit what you can buy since they thing you are a meth dealer. Here in Missouri. (#1 in meth labs.. woohoo) you have to give them your driver’s license and they register every time you sneeze.. or something like that. I really should just take a pill.. OK.. BRB… OK Back.. blew my nose, took a pill. Hopefully it will be a miracle and I’ll be better.. and not a stupid cold.

Pills.. speaking of. I need to take a multi vitamin.. I need to get into the habit. One thing I have started doing is taking a little melatonin every night. I notice that it helps me sleep sound and I wake up and don’t feel that horrible hung over feeling like if I drink NyQuil. They say it creates more vivid dreams.. not me. Last night was actually the first night I had a dream. (my friend and I were at a hotel near a casino in ohio or indiana or something.. and it WAS vivid)..

If you like fish taco’s and are short on time.. Go to Hardee’s.. OMG they are good!

American Idol: I’m good with Karen going home.. right now feeling the most love for Casey, James, Stefano and Pia.

Amazing Race: Loving this season!!

Survivor: Go Boston Rob!!

I have WordPress on my phone.. I’m going to start posting next time a brilliant post comes to mine.. I hate to deprive you so…  ;-)

The dog.. Jack is laying on a blanket licking his paws.

The TV, foodnetwork is on right now in front of me.. making me hungry.

The mantel.. my husband still has the lit garland up.. yes it’s March but he thinks it’s pretty.

My phone.. green light blinking.. must be unread emails.

Sunflower. Last year my husband bought me a 3foot sunflower magnet which is on the side of the fridge. He knows that is my favorite flower.

2. How do you style your hair?

I don’t. I wash it and blow dry it.
3. What are you wearing now?

Black sweat pants, a long sleeve orange Salty Dog Tshirt that I picked up at Hilton Head 2 years ago…and a Cardigan that I bought at the limited around 1990.. don’t judge..

4. What’s your occupation?

Inside sales.. although I have a fancy director title, I call bullshit.. pay and duties don’t equal my title.

5. What do you hear right now?

My fingernails on the keyboard and Diners and Drive Thru… Emeril is at a place talking about PoBoys..

6. Who was the last person you hugged?

My husband yesterday.

7. What is/was for dinner?

Garlic shrimp and penne.. yum.

8. What did you do today?

Drove to work in a freaking surprise snowstorm.. worked.. was busy as hell.. then came home.

9. Dog person or cat person?

Both..

10. If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

Caroline

11. What was the last thing that you bought?

Jeans, Capri’s and 2 pair of underpants.
12. If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

I would do a couple things.. one is that I would buy a kickass RV and travel all around the US.. OR I would go back to Tuscany and Germany..

13. Where do you see yourself in five years?

I have no idea..

14. Where’s your birthmark?

I have beautymarks.. moles that I was born with.. one at the right corner of my right eye.. one below my right breast and one on the inside of my left arm near my elbow.

15. What are you doing this weekend?

Friday night we are going to go tennis shoe shopping for Drew.. no idea the rest of the weekend. Hopefully being productive.
16. Which book are you reading at the moment?

The Tenth Gift

17. The last movie you’ve seen?

Battlefield Los Angeles

18. What are you doing tomorrow?

Going to work

My friend I mentioned, I’m working on forgiveness.. not sure how that relationship will continue yet but at least I’m working on it in my heart.

I suppose I’m kind of doing a Spring Cleaning in my life.. It totally fits with the NoMoreExcuses..

It is difficult, like with Katrina, Haiti.. and now Japan.. it’s difficult watching what is going on in the world and still try to continue a daily life.. those people don’t have a choice, they are stuck taking help where they can, not able to mourn the loss of loved once as they struggle to survive themselves. I can’t feel guilty for not being a part of that though. I need to wish them well in my heart and hope they feel some peace. Who am I kidding, it has to just suck.. Ugg…I almost want to avoid the news.

Well I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I have things to do both in my life.. my heart.. my parents.. work.. etc. My husband hit a pick 4 in the lottery and is taking those winnings to start a small investment. I’m glad he’s able to do that.

In totally unrelated news: We saw Battlefield Los Angeles today.. I don’t think I breathed for 2 hours.. Fun action/war movie.. I highly recommended if you like that sort of movie.