Taking Back My Life

So for the longest time I feel like I’m doing something for someone else.. ALL THE TIME. Either my parents or my husband or my friend or co-workers. I want to take back my life.. kind of like when I was in my 30′s… except now I’m smarter and have more life experience and know the difference between what is good and bad for me.

No More Excuses: For me this journey for the month of March is not only going to be not worrying, taking back my life.. but figuring out and declaring what I want changed is part of the whole thing. I think I’ve shut down a bit to much in the last couple years, lost myself in others expectations.

In doing this I’m going to have to let things roll off my back. I’m going to need to not take everything so personally. Not cave in just to make people happy.

I’ll detail as I feel necessary.. my blog and all..

Step one is taking care of myself. I am going to continue getting my nails done.. it makes me feel good. I’m going to TRY to cut back on the french fries…because they aren’t good for me.. not because of what anyone else says. I am going to start moving more. Swimsuit season is just around the corner again.

I want to laugh at least once a day.. and not by something I saw on TV or read on the internet. I want to surround myself with people that make me feel good.

I’m not going to set crazy expectations on myself. If I blog every day…great.. if not.. great..

I am really feeling good about this.

 

Being a Caregiver Sucks..

I’m almost giddy I can see the relief and help coming.  I may over the last couple posts brushed over the stress of this Care Giver role. Right now it is killing me. I feel guilty, needed, anxious, tired, bored, hurt, abandoned, lost.. a million different feelings.

Sometimes I just pray that God (god, he, she, fate whatever) just takes my parents.. painlessly and as soon as they are ready.

Mom is 85 and is walking bone on bone.. her knees are shot. She’s about 4’5 and weighs maybe 250lbs. Pain.. they say our pain level of 10 is her 4. She wants things the way they are but they can never be. There are strangers in her house touching her stuff. She’s lost almost all control, except for her control over me. Now my dad is coming home. She thinks he is going to be as when he left. I think dad has been gone since shortly after Christmas. Dad when from the hospital to the nursing home. He is needing 24 hour care. He’s plataued at the nursing home. He yells at me, he’s not happy. He said that he isn’t going to go home on Sunday, he’s going to be in heaven by that time. I told him that wasn’t an option, I  have gone through WAY to much shit for him to die before he gets home.

Prior to the Holidays.. from June through then it was only me.. and Jeremy doing anything for them. Occasionally I would have a cousin bring over some soup or something. But I was there twice a day. The cleaning lady would come by and the lady that does my mom’s hair. Finally after dad went into the hospital things had to change. The cleaning lady quit.. mom is getting worse at home. Since then I’ve been going from home to work to the hospital/nursing home to mom’s to home.. the only down time has really been 5th grade basketball.. or a slow day at work.

I get people telling me.. “Let me know what I can do”.. well.. can you drink some polyjuice potion and change yourself? Can you BE me? I’m POA, my mom trusts me.. my dad wants me.. Finally now that we’ve hired the aides things calmed a little with mom but there is still alot on my shoulders. This afternoon I’m meeting  to discuss some details. At least the meeting is at lunch.. and a fab little Turskish place I’ve been really wanting to try.

Later this afternoon I go with dad to the doctor. Then back to mom’s the evening.

Did I tell you 24 hour care at their house starts Sunday?? I guess that, plus the beautiful weather has me a bit giddy today. I told one of my BFF’s that I should be feeling worse inside.. but I don’t and I’m not going to complain. I entered to win a girl trip to NYC.. I really need to get away.. bad.. I’d love to just escape.

I have honestly been living one day at a time, which is all I can do.  I am really looking forward to getting back to the Y and being able to start taking care of myself. I feel like shit.

 

It’s all dusty up in here…

I haven’t blogged in a while..and decided I wanted to tonight…and guess what?

I FORGOT MY USER NAME AND PASSWORD!!

OK..if it were up to me, in a perfect world…everyone would do things like I think they should be done…they would think and believe like I believe. Now I know that is silly..and I do enjoy people that are different then me..but sometimes..just throw me a fricking bone!

Right now I’m a bit frustrated at everyone…family, work, friends…celebrities, government… You name it and I have an opinion.

I realize looking back on my life I have been very bossy at times. Most of the friends that I’ve had just put up with it. I think I am bossy and opinionated by nature..I learned it from my bossy mother.

I don’t think though that my wants/needs are unreasonable. Here are just a few things that are going through my head.

•  It doesn’t matter what / if any religion you are. Just be nice to each other..use common senses and don’t worry so much about who is sitting where in the kingdom of heaven. Geeze.
• Why the hell are you people getting all upset about things. Think about your actions. Are you making a difference? Are the feelings and bitching that you are doing actually changing anything? OR..do you think you are just making an ass out of yourself, raising your own blood pressure and wasting time?
• Take care of yourself. Wash your face..clean your clothes, go to the dentist, wear stuff under your arms.
• Quit being so fricking selfish. It isn’t all about you.
• If there is something that you don’t want to do… then don’t do it. Quit bitching.
• Mind your own business.
• Learn how to respect people…no matter if they are a stranger, coworker, family or a friend.

I think I feel better.. see…I typed it all out, vented and now I’m all better….I didn’t have to get on the phone, gossip and bitch to someone else.

racist or prejudice – my soap box

I’m VERY prejudice against certain people. I admit it 100% This is something I need to work on, it’s a struggle. I started thinking about this yesterday on the celebration of MLK Day. I think that many people confuse the two. Being a racist is wrong. Being a racist is actually shows your ignorance and I am prejudice against people that are racist.

Do you follow me? Let me explain anyway.

I believe that MLK was a person that was very tolerant of people. He didn’t seem like a prejudiced person at all. He spoke of equality and I think we have come a long way. Far enough? No, I don’t think so. It’s taking a long time but at least most places in the country you aren’t forced to separate yourself due to the color of your skin. I’ve noticed though that most places people do it any way. I noticed this at jury duty. You throw in a mix of people that are for the most part all strangers. The black people sat with the black people, the white people with the white people..and for the most part the men w/ the men and women w/ the women. Why do we do this? Was this learned? Is it basic instinct? I really don’t know. Maybe people just gravitate towards people that they are comfortable with.

Being comfortable I think is what leads to being prejudice. When we are uncomfortable with a person we are more than likely prejudice against him for whatever reason. Again, I am not talking about race. Walk with me down a street…a city street. Coming toward you is a man. He has dirty baggy clothes, his head is down. You see that his pants are hardly even staying up since he wears them so low around his butt. Are you nervous? Why are his hands in his pockets? Is there anyone else around me? Are you a little nervous?

Now..same street. A man is walking your way. He has on a nice pair of tan pants; he’s clean cut and has on a nice jacket. He’s carrying a briefcase. Do you have any of those same feelings?
My guess, if you are anything like me you were much more comfortable w/ briefcase man coming toward you.
Notice it didn’t matter if it was a black, white, Asian, Indian or middle eastern man..it was the way the dressed.
Now that guy in the baggy dirty clothes could have been the nicest sweetest guy in the world, it could have been your brother. I just find myself prejudice.

I am also prejudice against people with lots of piercing or tattoos…people that don’t use good grammar. I am prejudice against people that are racist, I think that shows you are ignorant.

I’m sure there are people that are prejudice against me. Maybe they have issue with people that drive gas guzzling cars and tend to vote republican…or have issue w/ people that don’t recycle.. I’m guilty.

I think a little prejudice is healthy and awareness of your prejudice can also lead to tolerance and knowledge.

Racist people: I have NO tolerance for. Neither did our civil rights leaders in the 1960′s who lead the charge to wake some people up. Did they succeed? In my opinion, kinda sorta. I think it’s our job to make sure that racism isn’t tolerated.

My problem is though I don’t think people really know what racism is. Racism is not being prejudice. I am equally prejudice against people of all colors. That’s just me. When you promote one person over another person in a job it has nothing to do with their race. It’s about performance and knowledge. When you fire a person from a job it is based on performance not race. Why do we give scholarships to people of certain colors? I don’t know, you would think that we should do it by knowledge and performance also..is that racist? I guess so.

I have truly gone above and beyond what you should tolerate for my soap box. If you are still reading this I’m surprised. If you don’t agree with me and think that I’m full of hot air I also wouldn’t be surprised. I guess what this does show is that I’m not a writer, I’m sure if this was a paper in college I’d get a D..but oh well. No one is prefect.