Being a Caregiver Sucks..

I’m almost giddy I can see the relief and help coming.  I may over the last couple posts brushed over the stress of this Care Giver role. Right now it is killing me. I feel guilty, needed, anxious, tired, bored, hurt, abandoned, lost.. a million different feelings.

Sometimes I just pray that God (god, he, she, fate whatever) just takes my parents.. painlessly and as soon as they are ready.

Mom is 85 and is walking bone on bone.. her knees are shot. She’s about 4’5 and weighs maybe 250lbs. Pain.. they say our pain level of 10 is her 4. She wants things the way they are but they can never be. There are strangers in her house touching her stuff. She’s lost almost all control, except for her control over me. Now my dad is coming home. She thinks he is going to be as when he left. I think dad has been gone since shortly after Christmas. Dad when from the hospital to the nursing home. He is needing 24 hour care. He’s plataued at the nursing home. He yells at me, he’s not happy. He said that he isn’t going to go home on Sunday, he’s going to be in heaven by that time. I told him that wasn’t an option, I  have gone through WAY to much shit for him to die before he gets home.

Prior to the Holidays.. from June through then it was only me.. and Jeremy doing anything for them. Occasionally I would have a cousin bring over some soup or something. But I was there twice a day. The cleaning lady would come by and the lady that does my mom’s hair. Finally after dad went into the hospital things had to change. The cleaning lady quit.. mom is getting worse at home. Since then I’ve been going from home to work to the hospital/nursing home to mom’s to home.. the only down time has really been 5th grade basketball.. or a slow day at work.

I get people telling me.. “Let me know what I can do”.. well.. can you drink some polyjuice potion and change yourself? Can you BE me? I’m POA, my mom trusts me.. my dad wants me.. Finally now that we’ve hired the aides things calmed a little with mom but there is still alot on my shoulders. This afternoon I’m meeting  to discuss some details. At least the meeting is at lunch.. and a fab little Turskish place I’ve been really wanting to try.

Later this afternoon I go with dad to the doctor. Then back to mom’s the evening.

Did I tell you 24 hour care at their house starts Sunday?? I guess that, plus the beautiful weather has me a bit giddy today. I told one of my BFF’s that I should be feeling worse inside.. but I don’t and I’m not going to complain. I entered to win a girl trip to NYC.. I really need to get away.. bad.. I’d love to just escape.

I have honestly been living one day at a time, which is all I can do.  I am really looking forward to getting back to the Y and being able to start taking care of myself. I feel like shit.

 

Brand New Post Involving Bullet Points!

• 

  This was our group that walked

  I have been in SUCH a blogging funk I feel like I’ve been gone for a million years.

• Lately I feel a million years old. My hair needs to be dyed, I have so many grey’s I look 60..not that there is anything wrong with being 60..it’s just that I’m still in my early 40′s.
• I just now forgot how old I was.
• I got out the calculator. I’m still 42
• I have been an excercising fool.
• I still can’t fit back into my skinnier pants that I was wearing last spring.
• We have a full membership to the Y and I take 2 classes a week. Deep Water Exercise. I really like it.
• I walk on the treadmill and ride the staionary bike.
• I bought a real live mountain bike. It’s a Schwinn. It’s Pink.
• I walked in my first “walk” at Forest Park. It was for March of Dimes in memory of Maddie. I met Lisa and Heather who have blogs and there really cute kids. There was also a woman named Adene who brought her preemie w/ her..he’s 13 and his friend. The last mile was tough, it was 3.25 miles or something like that.
• I started taking pictures again. Check the link on the side to Flickr.
• I’ve had some people offer to buy prints from me. They have only shown interest. Could you even imagine?
• I’ve been very irritable lately. I think I’m going through premenapause. (sorry to any boy reading). I haven’t had a period in at least 4 months. It could be because I’ve been exercising more. No I’m not pregnant and no I haven’t gone to the doctor.
• They cut our pay at work..that sucks. I’m one of the few people that is taking less pay but has to do more work. Hourly employees take an unpaid day off every pay period. I’d rather have one of those.
• I’m still addicted to Facebook and Twitter. I have a tweetdeck now.
• I’m going to Aruba in 6 weeks and I haven’t told my mother yet.
• My mother is driving me even MORE crazy than normal.
• I am starting to read blogs again…baby steps…baby steps…
• I really think I need to win the lottery.
• There was an earthquake in Mexico City today as well as that Swine Flu thing going around. I”m glad I don’t have plans to go to Mexico.
• Drew is playing baseball now. He likes it.
• It feels good to get back to random bullet points!

Thursday 13 – Wordless Wednesday – and other stuff

Old Cathedral and Arch

So… I don’t do the normal stuff and I thought I would today. There is a picture..a day late. I edited the image using Flickr’s Picnic Premium..that I got as a present from Bri… Swag from Blogher.

Here are 13 things that I am OVER…
1. The election. I’m about puking over all the twittering and crying over Hillary and Barak’s wife. I tell you what. Please..but then I was the one that cried 16 years ago when Bill was elected, and they were NOT tears of joy. I am so glad I don’t have to watch live TV anymore and can skip all this BS. Just give me my ballot already. No, I don’t want to debate it either. I used to wear my politics on my sleeve and “fight” the fight..whatever, I’m too tired for that.

2. My eyeballs. I only read for 2 hours last night and the pressure from trying to focus was killing me. I ended up making a temporary patch out of toilet paper. Dolce’s friend is going to school to be an eye doctor..I’m hoping maybe university would like me as a guinea pig.

3. Old People. I think that someone needs to find that fountain of youth already. My parents are getting way too old and this is stoopid. They need about 30 years back. OK..someone work on that right away.

4. The Olympics. Lucky for me, they are over. It got old after a while, didn’t it?

5. Ass Kissers. I work at an office where some people do some serious ass kissing. These people really are trying to hang on to their jobs.

6. Road Construction. Our main Highway 44/I64 is under MAJOR construction, due to this many of the “artery” roads are under construction. I drive 20 ish miles a day to and from work and am constantly surrounded my orange cones.

7. Child Abusers. Come on.. Instant Death Penalty. Enough said.

8. Waiting for Thanksgiving to release new movies. Come on people.. I see movies for free. I want a decent selection at the theater.

9. Fat. Yes I’m talking about me and my poor eating habits. I’m not in my fat clothes but I’m not in my skinny clothes either.. I’m in the middle and need to go down, not teeter on going up. K?

10. Biting My Nails. I’m 41..you think I’d be done w/ this habit already.

11. Zits. See above, 41 NOT 14. I’m sick of these things.

12. Rimmy. You are dead to me. No i’m just kidding. Testing to see if you are reading or not. You in jail..?? Email me!

13. Money. I think that we should all barter or something. I’ll rub your shoulders for an hour a day..and I don’t pay a mortgage. You… I’ll fix you dinner every other Tuesday I don’t have a cell phone bill. Think it will work?

Old People Smack Down

I really don’t know where to begin. This is a 100% true story…honest abe.

Yesterday I was having a bit of a shitty day. I was stressing at work, having a bit of a nic fit, trying to figure one how to do everything I needed to get done before our road trip.

One of the things I needed to do was wash my mom’s hair. Just in case you are new here or haven’t paid attention in the past.. Dad is 87, Mom is 82.. Dad isn’t too sharp mentally and is weaker than he has been in the past. He’s fallen a few times, landed in the old folks home for a stint and is an all around great guy. Mom can barely walk. Her knees blew out on her at least 20 years ago but she was too chicken to have surgery..so they got worse and worse…so she didn’t move much..so she gained weight. The woman still does crossword puzzles every day. The woman can drive you fruit.

Being a bit selfish I decided that I’m going to stop and get BBQ for me and J..and Jack. I didn’t want to see if mom and dad wanted anything cause if I went over there she’d make me do something and I’m hungry and having a nic fit and I want to go home first and get into shorts.

I called my husband for the 3965 time that day, he still didn’t pick up the phone. I explained I had forgotten my cell phone but that I was getting BBQ…then around 7:30 was going to go wash mom’s hair..then we’d watch Big Brother. (uggg w/ the POV)

At 6pmish I walk into my house w/ BBQ. I see a note on the table; it reads: “Your Dad fell. Jack and I at your parents. “

I turn around, not even setting my bags ‘ o ‘ bbq down and head back to the car.. damn it..shit…all the way to the car.

I get to mom and dad’s in 3 minutes (they are really close)..and walk into the back door. I can hear them talking. I walk in the kitchen and the dogs are yapping and mom, dad and J are sitting at the table.

Hands on my hips: “What happened?” “Are you OK?” “What time did you fall?” and the 354 other questions.

Well then the three of them start talking at the same time and the dogs are yapping… “half hour ago” “why didn’t you get your parents bbq” “ooo there is bbq?” “do you want chop suey? honey go downstairs and bring that up then can you fix it?” “yeah why didn’t you call us?” “your mother pushed me” “he hit his head on the tile” “do something about that blood” “get a bandage”

Jeremy went home, I gave mom and dad my bbq and then I went home. I changed cloths, we grabbed a burger then I went back to wash mom’s hair. She was in the bathroom and dad was in the yard w/ the dogs. After going back and forth, back and forth..I got the story.

They were having a “discussion” about something. Neither one remembers WHAT it was about but it turned into an argument. Dad pulled mom’s earring and it ripped it out of her ear. She got pissed and picked up her cane and poked at him…he leaned back to avoid being poked by the rubber tip of the cane..that was being thrust at him by the 82  year old woman in the chair…and he fell…and got a rugburn on his elbow and little knot on his head.

I spoke to my mother this morning and reminded her that you do NOT hit dad with the cane or PRETEND to hit him..he’s more fragile. She said, “Well you don’t raise a hand to me, I have a temper..I’m Irish and Indian. You do know that our Cherokee roots go back….” to which I tell her… “I don’t care what nationality you are, do NOT wag or poke dad with your cane!”… she says, “He pulled my ear”…. me, “he was teasing!”.. her “no he was angry”……

she says.. “I think you’ve gained weight”

Don’t Get Old!!

Those were the wise word of a very sweet, very cuddly Italian woman, who happened to be my Grandma. Grandma died in 1980. She was 96 years old. I remember her death like it was yesterday.

I was lying in my bed, the phone range around 2am. Our phone was in the hallway, there was a special little shelf for the phone. I could hear my dad cry, it was a scream and a sob. I could hear my mother saying “Oh John”. I knew Grandma was gone. Dad put on his clothes, I asked to go too but he told me to stay home.

Grandma lived 3 doors down from us, my Aunt lived with her. There was no “hospice” back then but there was a lady from the neighborhood that always sat with the dying. She was there and dad’s sisters. Even though she was 96 years old it hit my dad VERY hard. To this day dad still talks about his mom and how he can’t wait to see her again in heaven. When he was in the hospital a couple years ago that was all he talked about; the idiot doctor had him on morphine and he was talking outside his head. There was no way in hell Grandma was going to have another visitor. I had his meds changed.

I took Dad to see Grandma’s grave the other day. The cemetery isn’t far away but we’re not “cemetery” kind of people. I knew where it was though, I would drive down the road near by and would thinking of Grandma every time I went by. Dad was surprised I remembered where it was in the big cemetery, I mean it’s been almost 29 years ago. I found it though, big huge stone w/ Jesus. Kind of Resurrection type of a pose. There at the bottom were Felicia and Enrico. Grandpa died in 1947…I never knew either Grandpa. Dad got his cane out and I head him as he navigated the grass and dirt. We laughed at all the names, he felt like he was walking down one of our neighborhood streets; Rugerri, Columbo, Marlo, Berra.. “There’s Josie!, Oh look there’s Ceasar”.. Dad was very happy to see where Grandma was. More than likely that will be our last time there..unless he asks, of course I would take him back. It makes him so sad though.

Back to Grandma. I always remember her as very big..not fat just tall and big boned. Now though when I look at Dad and his too living sisters…I don’t think Grandma was that big, there is no way she could have been. Grandma started going back to speaking Italian only toward the end of her life, I used to tell her, “Grandma SPEAK ENGLISH”.. but she would shake her head at me…kinda like how dad does know when he doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about. It’s a disgusted look.

As a child Grandma used to tell me that I had “Porka Chopa Legs”…yes I always was a bit plump. Her favorite saint was St Rita. She was always saying prayers or the rosary while she looked out the front window. She didn’t care too much for TV except every Sunday morning she would watch Wrestling At The Chase. Dad and I would eat danishes with her and watch with her. It was very exciting.

Grandma always used to tell me. “DON’T GET OLD”… and she’d shake her head in disgust. She never complained but I’m sure she had many aches and pains.

Yesterday I took mom and dad to my cousin’s youngest daughter’s High School graduation party. Walkers..canes…all that good stuff. Well mom got stuck on the toilet..not really STUCK..but we went in the one nearest to where our table was and it wasn’t handicapped…and it was a low toilet.. There were the two of us in the stall. I couldn’t pull her from under her arms, she’s just too darn heavy..I wouldn’t let her use the toilet paper holder, she would have ripped that right off the wall…at one point she used my arm fat to try to pull herself up..and let me tell you that hurt like a bitch. Eventually she did a shimmy to the side and pressed up off the seat. I told her next time she’s to just go in her pants..I mean she wears a depends. She looked at me and I had to look away…the sadness in her eyes. She felt defeated, defeated by what her body has turned into..she is a sharp woman..pain in the ass but smart none the less. She reminds me constantly that SHE has a college degree. She told me, “Grandma was right you know, DON’T GET OLD”… I laughed, just like I did back when Grandma told me… I have a feeling though one of these days, God willing, I’ll be telling people the same thing.

I have a million meme’s to do..busy at work…gotta take Dad to the doctor this afternoon then we’re going to Sam’s club. OH..the bathroom now has plumbing that works… Now we need drywall, new floor, new kitchen plumbing… and that should be July. Anyone have an extra 10 grand?

Fantabulous Friday

Happy Friday All. I don’t have TONS of news…let’s just recap what is going on!

Today is Mom’s birthday. I called her earlier, she was still asleep. It was 11am..yeah, now you know where I get that. (weekends only). Mom is 82 today. She isn’t really thrilled w/ being in her 80′s. She is a worry wart. I try to tell her that she can’t CHANGE things by worrying about them..she worry’s so well though. She’ll never learn/change.

I took dad to the doctor yesterday. Bottom line. He’s in GREAT shape but he’s OLD. He can’t hear, ends up he has 1874 pounds of shit in his ear. Doctor couldn’t get it out, he has to go to the ENT doctor. Dad wants to leave it in so he can block out my mother. Nice idea, wonder if I can borrow some of that shit.

Jack went to the doc yesterday too…he has ALL his shots. He was very good. The doctor and nurses thought he was the cutest puppy EVAH!

Oooo lunch is here..chicken soup and 1/2 sandwhich. Gotta run, I’ll come back later and finish…

15 min late: DAMN that was good eats. The girls went to Breadco..aka St Louis Bread Company aka Panera Bread. I got 1/2 low fat chicken noodle soup and 1/2 chicken salad sandwich on whole grain…hold the red onions, thank you. Much better than the Weight Watchers frozen dinner that is in the freezer. I KNOW..did I need it? No. But damn it was good and I don’t regret it. So there!

Tonight is the big birthday celebration. We’re going to my MIL’s. I’m making the pasta..we’re having salad and Red Velvet Cake (J’s favorite)..his bday is Monday. (40)

If you want to read today have a look at the side list that I have.
Pioneer Woman has a recipe for Eggs Benedict. I LOVE Egg’s Benedict.
Widelawns: Hysterical, she goes on a rant about this author and her book…then talked about her own memoirs that she SHOULD write.
Biddy: Biddy is home from the hospital…again…and she woke up at home to a, no never mind, if you want to know read it yourself.
Lulu: Lulu is thinking about Hawaii…and has a picture of a hottie… (note to self, pick date for Aruba)
Humbling Moments: My dear Canadian friend is being thankful, this Friday after her Thanksgiving.
I have a new link: Poop and Boogies. Written by a man. He’s good!!
Bossy: Scary big picture of Al Gore..Yuck…ewww, made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Pumpkin: She is an ARTIST! I didn’t know. She has these cool geometric kinda flower looking drawings that I want for my house..or office. (bday nov 10)

What else is going on?
I think Grandpa is about to die in the comic For Better of For Worse. Jim’s had a couple strokes and he’s very unresponsive. I also think Elizabeth is gonna get hitched.

I quit watching Cane on Tuesday nights. Jimmy Smits was easy on the eyes but I wasn’t loving the writing of the show. I fell asleep during Without A Trace last night. I rewinded and got caught up, I was pooped.

Tomorrow I’m going to the eye doctor. Hopefully they can fit me with night vision googles or something. Driving to work this morning in the dark was a bitch.

FYI: The best drink evah: Gold Peak Iced Tea. The Diet tastes JUST like the sweet tea you get down south. Yum!

Have a great weekend. I should have pics from the birthday party later this weekend.
Saturday: Go Mizzou!!

Is it hot enough for you???

How do we do it, really? Is it global warming, I say poppycock. The thing was when I was young we didn’t have a 5 day forecast. We had a pretty little weather girl saying that it was hot. There were no excessive heat warnings. Children still played outside.
What were my summer days like?
Well dad would get up to go to work. He left the house in his Ventura which didn’t have air conditioner. He wore bib overalls with a T shirt underneath. Heavy socks with heavy work boots. He worked in buildings without air conditioners. They ran wires in hospitals, the zoo, the arch, mainly office buildings and hospitals. He left for work before 7am and came home by 5:30 every day. Dad would pull in the garage and drop off his lunch box on the chair then go directly downstairs and get in the shower. I always attempted to run and give him a hug and kiss but MAN did he smell, and he was always dirty, he’d laugh and tell me to wait. When dad came up from his shower supper was on the table.
My day: Well mom and I would sleep til around 10 or 11am, sometimes earlier. We’d have the air on when it got into the 90′s. We would eat..usually a braunsweiger, bologna or peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chips and a big glass of milk. I would go outside and play. Normally it would be at someones house with a pool, depending on my age it would be Laura’s across the street, Patty’s down the alley or Lynn’s across the other alley. These were a awesome during the summer. These were galvanized metal tubs filled with water from the hose. No filters or ladders. Sometimes you had to step on a brick to get in if you had short legs like me. We mainly played world pool and went around in circles. Sometimes we would play Marco Polo..but how in such a small pool? I LOVED being in the pools. When I was very small I had a square pool w/ plastic seats on each corner. Dad wouldn’t let me get a galvanized one like my friends, he didn’t want rust stains on the concrete patio. We would also play in the sprinklers. I think the parents liked that since they could water the lawn and the children at the same time. No one had fancy Slip N Slides but we were known to get out the garbage bags on the lawn. When we got older we would pool hop. We’d hop the fences of those people who had the larger pools; the above ground w/ the ladders..we’d jump the fence, jump in the pool…enough to cool out..then we’d go back to walking the neighborhood.
Mom and I would sometimes go shopping to beat the heat. We’d pick Nana up; she didn’t have air conditioning. We’d drive to Westwoods or Crestwood where they had outdoor malls, each store was had air. We’d have lunch at Walgreens counter. I’d love to have a toasted peanut butter sandwich with ripple potato chips and chocolate milk. That was such a treat.
If it was below 80 degrees at night we opened the windows at night. MAN did I complain. I’d lay there and here the crickets, dogs and the highway in the background. We didn’t have fans. God forbid the new ceiling fans everyone was getting. I had to close my door otherwise mom and dad’s snoring kept me awake. I’d lay there in bed and scream, “It’s HOT, I can’t sleep”…they would tell me to take off the blanket..Ppppppp! Take OFF the blanket? How can a person sleep without a blanket???? I would sweat and cry and eventually fall asleep. Then the next day I would get the lecture about the 3 story house on Wyoming Street w/out air and radiator heat and Dad’s house on Patterson w/ all of his sisters and extended family…THEY didn’t complain. Mom said it was penance and if I’d not complain I could offer it to the poor souls in purgatory.
Here is the thing though: It was 1976 and all they had to do was flip the switch on the wall to ON!!

Oh well. What do I do now? Stay inside. Go to the movies, the mall, water park. Same old stuff really except we don’t turn the air off at all, ever..until winter.

Tonight Drew is scheduled to have his first soccer practice. From what I understand they cancel things like this now due to heat. For crying out loud they cancelled Ram’s training camp. If he does have practice my happy ass is sitting in the car w/ the ac running while his little botty runs around the field.

EDIT: We made national news. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070807/ap_on_re_us/heat_wave;_ylt=AofneawsQpq6K2.8GYwehPsDW7oF

I need free pretties

If anyone knows anywone that will do free graphic email thingies so I can make mine look pretty I’m open to it!! Lemme know!

Also, mom called freaking out today. She has a FREE PUPPY for us. She couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make a decision without talking it over w/ my husband. Mom’s friend’s sister has Chi-Chon’s. At least I think that is it. Her frisky little Bichon got together with her sons’s Chihauhau and made babies. They have 4 and they are GIVING THEM AWAY! Do you think someone should tell them they retail for over $1000??? They are thinking they are just mistakes. Anyway, she wants us to have a puppy and has promised to baby sit whenever we go out. The lack of somewhere to put the dog when we’re gone is the main reason we haven’t gotten one.

We’ll see what happens, I’ll keep you posted.